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If anything is easy, it’s being married… right? Probably not. You used to be able to spend your hard-earned money however you so chose back in the day. Weekday bar crawls with the office? No problem! A spontaneous weekend trip? Yes, please! But all of a sudden, after you proclaim your eternal love for somebody, buying an iPad for each bathroom in the house is a “poor financial decision”.
You’re hardly alone. All marriages, even the healthiest and most loving, have disagreements about money. Whether its because one of you makes vastly more than the other, you disagree about investments, or you have differentiating opinions about taking on more debt, there’s no shortage of issues that can come up. Frankly, there’s no sidestepping it… you will fight about finances. It’s natural, and very rarely is it a sign of a deeper, more serious issue regarding your relationship. What matters is that, when a fight comes up, you fight fairly. Understanding why the argument is occurring and how to utilize the argument as a tool resolve the issue is what can keep your minor spat from turning into an all-out melee.
1. Explain, Don’t Escalate: If an issue arises with your significant other, the most important thing to keep in mind is that you’re playing for the same team. Arguments can spiral out of control altogether too quickly, and it’s often due to unneeded escalation. Avoid saying things that may feel really good to say, but would only make things worse. No personal attacks. No disrespect. No calling the full-sized Chewbacca costume your spouse bought “the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen”. Even if you feel that way, all disagreements must be agreeable. Always keep resolution of the issue, not being right, at the forefront of your mind. Which reminds us…
2. Get a Goal Early: Imagine running a race without a finish line… silly, right? Why would you ever get into something without knowing how it’s supposed to end? Arguments without a clear goal are just that… needless exertion and eventual exhaustion that solves nothing. When money issues come up, you and your partner must agree early to a goal. Not only does that give a light at the end of the tunnel, but you define what it is you’re fighting for. Too often are arguments trapped in a Mobius strip, an endless cycle of circular logic that’s more about “winning” than resolving. Figure out what it is you are both trying to achieve, and utilize the argument to get there together.
3. You’ll Disagree… That’s Fine: Ever been to a YouTube comment section? Then you know how quickly people jump to personal attacks when in disagreement. It’s not because we’re bad people… we all have deeply held beliefs, and when people we care about feel the opposite way, it’s easy to see how it can feel like an attack. What you must always keep at the back of your mind is that your opinion is no more right than your partner’s… if that $120 Kanye West vinyl is important to them but ridiculous to you, you’re both right. You may both be fueled by different motivations, but know that neither are wrong. Work together to come to a resolution, even if you both take a different path to get there.